I salute religious Muslims. Who practices their faith openly and constantly. I admire their strength and courage to resist wordly temptations. Now let me tell ya something about these worldly temptations. Oh, there are countless of them. And it’s incredibly easy to fall for them. Trust me, I’m living through these temptations.
For these warriors to be able to resist them and follow one path, that is the single most strong thing a person can do. And right now, I’m nowhere near that. At all.
In this modern day and age, the modern society looks down upon hijabis and Muslims in general. That’s unfortunate. It’s an ongoing stereotype. The moment one sees a person donning a hijab, the impression/status goes from 100 to 0 just like that. But in God’s eyes, that person’s status goes from 0 to 100. Even more so if they’re a practicing Muslim.
And that’s what these people aim for. For the latter. For the 0 to 100. They don’t fall prey to the negative opinions that other humans have about their faith, they mostly care in how God sees them. And that’s strong to me. Why?
Because it’s human nature that when you meet another human, you want to impress/please/just seem likeable in the very least to the other person. And to identify yourself as a Muslim with how you dress already removes that “chance”. But still they don’t care.
Thinking about that makes me feel like a super weak person. I’m weak in faith. And weak in a Muslim mindset, let alone practices. I feel like I’ve lived my life wrong all these years, because I lived by accumulating sins. The sins seem like a compounding interest. And that’s 22 years of it. What. A. Waste. Even though there are days or hours or minutes that I try to learn the holy book or try to fast or try to pray, I don’t think I did so with as much intent and religious/spiritual feeling.
I see others repenting to God and I wonder why my heart isn’t as pure as theirs. Why do I keep postponing my own repentance? Has my heart hardened over the years? I did cry while typing this, but I know my tears are useless if I don’t act upon it. And despite even writing all of this with tears, I can still have the cheek to live my live the same. Which is why I am so damn weak. Why do I still choose worldly attention over God’s respect and love? Why am I WEAK? I have a lot to ask forgiveness for. The day I repent will be the day I cry non-stop, judging from my tears today.
When they say change within is difficult, I think this is the most difficult change ever for me – Religious change. I just want myself to one day be able to feel like how those repenters feel and follow that one true path all the way and be as strong as the other Muslims. I’m nothing compared to them. Especially those living in extreme poverty/illness/war-zones and are still praying, still practicing their faith. They are of the highest status to me.
May God help me and my family, but most importantly, may I help myself and make a paradigm shift in my own mindset. Soon.