Empty (?) Inadequate (?) Stagnant (?) Stuck (?)
The reason why I punctuate those words with question marks is because I’m feeling all those but I’m unsure if I’m accurate.
“Oh, where’s the happy/optimistic Nadira I know?”
That’s the thing. Even I don’t know. And this is probably one of those days where the ‘negative demons’ come whispering in my ears – and succeeded. Ugh.
I just feel like in a rut sometimes, and I want out. I feel like I’m not living up to my highest potential or even anywhere near it, and it feels horrible. I hate wasting my time and being stagnant; not changing, not growing, and just….. rotting.
My soul is in despair – but of course, I’m always trying to think positively.
You know those “advice I’d give my younger self”thingies? Yeah well I need that right now. Like can the future successful & happier me guide me because I feel lost. I want to do so many things in life, but I know that time is not always on my side. The things that I want to do takes years, and I can’t do all of them simultaneously.
I have an endless list of things I need (& want) to do but to compensate one for another would be unfair. I want to do all those things while immersing myself in them completely, not being worried that time is passing as I do so. I want to live my live over and over again doing those things differently each time – because my soul feeds on them like they’re my “pieces of purpose”, the reasons I’m alive – without worrying that time is passing. But reality doesn’t work that way. Because time IS passing if I were to do those things. And that means I can’t do ALL of them.
Is it true that some things are not within our control? And that we just have to live with mediocrity, the average life and just staying in the comfort zone while progress makes its move at snail speed?
Because I’m not feeling it. And I don’t want to live that way. It’s torture, I’ve tried. And I hate it.
I hate how slow progress is in my life currently, despite others saying, “progress take time, dear.” What if I have an impatient soul? Should I train it to be patient? Or listen to it and do things according to its pace – fast paced?
To fall fast, learn fast, and grow fast…. all because I want to achieve all my goals before I die. Am I thinking wrongly? Am I rushing life?
I guess it’s normal to feel an overwhelming, burning desire to succeed badly and quickly at some point in my life, but I shouldn’t let it consume me. I shouldn’t be greedy, and accept the fact that time isn’t something that is merciful, and that I should work my ways around it.
Good lord, you have a naive and an impatient soul wandering Earth, I hope this lady finds her way/direction in life in due time.