Craving For Change


Empty (?) Inadequate (?) Stagnant (?) Stuck (?)

The reason why I punctuate those words with question marks is because I’m feeling all those but I’m unsure if I’m accurate.

“Oh, where’s the happy/optimistic Nadira I know?”

That’s the thing. Even I don’t know. And this is probably one of those days where the ‘negative demons’ come whispering in my ears – and succeeded. Ugh.

I just feel like in a rut sometimes, and I want out. I feel like I’m not living up to my highest potential or even anywhere near it, and it feels horrible. I hate wasting my time and being stagnant; not changing, not growing, and just….. rotting.

My soul is in despair – but of course, I’m always trying to think positively.

You know those “advice I’d give my younger self”thingies? Yeah well I need that right now. Like can the future successful & happier me guide me because I feel lost. I want to do so many things in life, but I know that time is not always on my side. The things that I want to do takes years, and I can’t do all of them simultaneously.

I have an endless list of things I need (& want) to do but to compensate one for another would be unfair. I want to do all those things while immersing myself in them completely, not being worried that time is passing as I do so. I want to live my live over and over again doing those things differently each time – because my soul feeds on them like they’re my “pieces of purpose”, the reasons I’m alive – without worrying that time is passing. But reality doesn’t work that way. Because time ISย passing if I were to do those things. And that means I can’t do ALL of them.

Is it true that some things are not within our control? And that we just have to live with mediocrity, the average life and just staying in the comfort zone while progress makes its move at snail speed?

Because I’m not feeling it. And I don’t want to live that way. It’s torture, I’ve tried. And I hate it.

I hate how slow progress is in my life currently, despite others saying, “progress take time, dear.” What if I have an impatient soul? Should I train it to be patient? Or listen to it and do things according to its pace – fast paced?

To fall fast, learn fast, and grow fast…. all because I want to achieve all my goals before I die. Am I thinking wrongly? Am I rushing life?ย 

I guess it’s normal to feel an overwhelming, burning desire to succeed badly and quickly at some point in my life, but I shouldn’t let it consume me. I shouldn’t be greedy, and accept the fact that time isn’t something that is merciful, and that I should work my ways around it.

Good lord, you have a naive and an impatient soul wandering Earth, I hope this lady finds her way/direction in life in due time.

 

Nadira Shirlonna

A different life – What if


I don’t know if it is absurd to think about this, but it has been crossing my mind a lot… and my mind actually fancies the idea.

The idea of livingย my life waayyyy differently than how I’m currently living.

What if I were to just…..

~ delete all of my social media accounts?
~ move somewhere new? somewhere distant?
~ give my all in a dream job and/or just in my dreams in general?
~ make new friends – a circle of friends completely different from the ones I have now?
~ be the free-est, truest & purest version of me?
~ start over my life anew as a brand new person?

Because the fact is that I’m not even doing half of those things now. “So why bother with the change?”you may ask.

Well it’s something about the idea of living my life in polar opposite which seems attractive, in the sense that it representsย novelty at the highest level, but at the same time, it’s still a reality. A reality so divergent and possible.

I guess that is what it means when people say, “The best way to predict your future is to create it” and “You are the captain of your ship.”

But I did think about what will happen if I were to do that. Will I be happier? I know for damn sure that the changes will be beyond surreal; I’ll experience a myriad of things, I’ll be exposed to situations I’ve never come across. But do I want all that? Yes… maybe.

If you were to ask me whether I have imagined a different reality, then I’d say yes. In fact, more than 1 version of reality. In one instance, I’ve imagined myself moving to (insert a country), working and pursuing my degree there, and then travelling around the world. There’s another instance where I imagined myself being completely religious, and being the second Mother Theresa meets Wonder Woman, going around the world spreading Islam, helping the needy and eventually settling down in the suburbs of Mecca/Medina.

Aaaand a few other instances, but with roughly the same context/concept: travelling the world, living my goals and dreams, helping others, and just live. Live as freely as I can be.

I’m afraid to say that these imaginations of mine might just be how I wish to live my life like, how I wished to be as a person – but I’m afraid because I’m currently not at that stage (yet) and I don’t know if I ever will achieve that reality.

What I do know now is that I am willing to make that reality happen one day (hopefully!!!) and that I’m making decisions day by day, step by step closer to it. I don’t know whether my future will paint a similar picture as my imagination(s) or not, but I will make it a meaningful one ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Nadira Shirlonna